Memory
by xiamei
Summary: The best way to escape is to forget. AU. HIATUS... possibly dropped
1. Memory

Prologue.

A sort of companion fic to "Secrets".

Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine.

I actually planned for this to be a multi-chaptered fic, but it seems to be turning into a series of one-shots instead... Each chapter can sort-of stand alone, I guess... but I suggest reading 'em all. :P

* * *

_Pain, everywhere. Blood. Tears. Death._

_That's all… I remember._

…_Can remember._

Shuichi…

_Where am I?_

_Am I… still alive?_

_Why do I… feel this way?_

_**Numb. Weak.**_

Wake up.

_I don't want to stay here._

…_It's so empty…_

_But…_

_I don't want to wake up._

Shuichi, please.

_Because I know, somehow…_

_That reality will only reflect my memories._

_**Pain.**_

_That's the only thing…_

_I remember feeling._

Please.

_That's why…_

_I really, really…_

_**I don't want to wake up.**_

_**Shuichi…  
**_

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Please review! 


	2. Beginning

**VERY VERY AU** (esp manga-wise). Not that I've read it… Someone just told me. Based on anime more than manga.

Tie-up with "Secrets".

Disclaimer: Gravi is not mine.

deep breath So... welcome to my first attempt at a multi-chap in a long, LONG time. Wish me much luck.

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Bleary amethyst eyes blinked open and wearily scanned his surroundings. A spacious, comfortable room, but… white. Endless white. He was in the hospital. There were wires everywhere on him. His head, torso, arms, hands, fingers… 

Shuichi brought a shaking hand to the mask on his face, and touched the IV drip at the back of his hand. If he could only muster enough strength, he didn't much doubt that he'd pull everything out. These things brought him back. Even if he didn't know – couldn't remember – exactly why… He knew, without a doubt, that he didn't _want_ to be brought back. He wasn't happy **there**, but at least, _at least_, it didn't hurt either. So… why?

Shuichi struggled to pull his oxygen mask down and then took shallow breaths of sterile but unfiltered air. Why was he here? Why did he let himself be dragged back to this hellhole?

…_There was a voice._

Calling him. Pleading for his return. Soft, gentle… caring. And, even in his resolve to stay, a warm spark surged through his entire being. Hope… love? Devotion. An endless pit of devotion. The feeling that he'd do anything – absolutely anything. Hope, lie… live. _Live._

…_Why can't he remember?_

The door creaked open; and a tall, long-haired brunet entered the room quietly, muttering darkly about something.

Shuichi tried to sit, and then suddenly the man was beside him.

"Shuichi! You're awake! Crap, just when I went to take a shower… you okay? Don't try to move yet, man! You've been banged up like hell, and been a vegetable for weeks…" A hand gently squeezed his arm and cautiously pushed him back on the bed. "I thought that we'd lost you, this time. I… we… We were all really afraid. I thought that maybe… you couldn't- wouldn't want to- come back. Because…" There was a hesitant pause as Hiro scuttled around, inclining Shuichi's bed and bringing a glass of water. "…Yeah. We thought that maybe you wouldn't come back, this time. So... thanks. For not leaving."

The invalid attempted to swallow the strange lump that formed in his throat. He hadn't _wanted_ to come back. He didn't know why he _did_ come back. All he wanted to know was _who_ the strange voice belonged to. Wanted to ask Hiro and maybe finally _remember_; and then maybe he'd _know_ and he could decide whether to return to **oblivion **or not.

"Hi… ro." A cough. "…Hiro." He called, voice tentative, foreign, and raspy from disuse. The taller man watched him raptly, eyes unbearably bright. And yet, somehow, a strange sheen of fear lurked beneath the surface. Hiro was afraid of something. Afraid of his question? Of his brutal honesty? …Afraid of the truth…

And Shuichi decided that he couldn't do it. Just because he hurt didn't mean that he had the right to make his best friend unhappy.

"Never… mind."

Hiro bit his lip. "It's alright, you know. I know that, more than anything, you want to know where…" Shuichi felt his heart pound. "You want…" Hiro… was going to answer his unvoiced question? "You're looking… for that…" Hiro's face looked solemn and distinctly unhappy, even if he was trying so hard to hide it. Unfocused eyes traveled to the window, and brown hair fell over broad shoulders and a strong face. He didn't want to say anything, and Shuichi… was afraid of the answer as well. Was it _really_ so important to know?

"Hiro."

Was it…?

"When'd you… grow… hair?"

…No.

It wasn't.

"How'd… grow… so fast?"

Hiro started, and brows furrowed almost comically in confusion.

"Wha…? Huh? I've had long hair for years. Been growing it since high school freshman year, remember?"

Dark blue eyes widened.

"Don't you… remember? Shuichi, what do you remember?"

Hiro was frantic, but Shuichi could hear the odd mix of hope, relief, fear, and trepidation in his best friend's voice.

"_That_ time. I… remember… _that time_. And… you. Auntie…"

_Pain, blood, and death. Rejection, worthlessness, more pain. Hiding away. Crying, relief. A pseudo-sanctuary. Some miniscule feeling of joy. No longer hiding; but still, always, lying._

…Even now.

Hiro's face was a war zone of emotions. He didn't know what to think; how to feel.

Shuichi closed his eyes. He didn't know, either.

"Shuichi…" Hiro's voice was oddly tight. "I'm sorry, Shuichi. You have to go through all of this again, but I… somehow, I'm a bit glad."

_Because now, at least I can hide you away. And maybe this time, you won't hurt as much anymore._

"It's okay." Strangely, Shuichi felt tears brimming in his eyes. "It's not your fault, Hiro." A drop traveled, excruciatingly slow, down his cheek. "I think… somehow…" One drop followed the first, and soon another. "Even if I… don't want to… I think…" And the dam broke. "I… I understand."

_I don't want to hurt anymore, either._

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Please review! I'll try my best to update regularly; but the path for this story isn't very clear yet; and I'm a bit busy, so... sorry if ever I take forever. And sorry if the plot is becoming predictable /twiddles thumbs/. 


	3. Interlude I: Best Friend

Interlude: Best Friend

Disclaimer: Gravi aint mine.

* * *

Hiro sat quietly in the hospital anteroom. Shuichi fell asleep a few minutes ago, and the doctors said he'd be okay now. That they were lucky that _something_ woke Shuichi up, unlike their earlier expectations. 

_It hurts, Hiro…_

Hiro's fists clenched.

No, they weren't lucky. He had a vague idea of why Shuichi woke up, and it wasn't a happy reason at all. His best friend was just going to hurt again.

_It hurts._

Hiro wouldn't let it happen. Not this time. Not again.

_I don't want to hurt anymore, Hiro._

Bad Luck's guitarist squared his shoulders, and took a slip of paper from his wallet.

_What do I have to do?_

Resolutely, he flipped open his phone and punched in the numbers scrawled on the well-fingered sheet.

…_to make it stop…_

"Hello, Sakuma-san? About what you said earlier… I've decided. I… I'll do anything in my power to help.

_Hiro…_

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Please review! Also, there's a companion fic to this - "Blood Runs Deep". 

I'd like to apologise in advance if I update_ really_ late/irregularly. I'll try my best, but I still need to smooth out a lot of wrinkles, and I don't have much time, so... yeah...


	4. Loyalty

Loyalty: Suguru

Usual warnings apply.

Disclaimer: Gravi isn't mine.

* * *

It shouldn't have surprised Suguru to see the normally air-headed Sakuma Ryuichi so sly and serious. The man was his cousin's friend, after all… and no matter _what_ people said about opposites attracting, it was always the similarities that stuck things together. 

But it was still scary. Perhaps even scarier than Tohma in one of his 'moods'.

"Suguru. How did it go?"

Suguru wondered if _that_ serious baritone was Ryuichi's real speaking voice, and if it was; how the older man managed using that squeaky falsetto all the time.

"It's not like he expected me to lie about something like _this_." He answered, hiding his discomfort behind an obstinate tone.

The singer laughed cheerfully, and the falsetto came back.

"Sorry, sorry. I just wanted to make sure. We'd be in big trouble if anyone found out, after all."

Big trouble, indeed. There was a short pause before Suguru decided that no, Ryuichi would _not_ do anything to him if he asked about the situation.

"…How are the other things going?"

The grown man frowned and conducted a whispered conversation with his stuffed bunny before flashing the teenager a bright smile.

"Kumagorou says that everything's fine! Shuichi will be home in no time!"

Suddenly, the singer turned serious. Suguru could swear that prolonged exposure to Sakuma Ryuichi would kill him. He was used to being able to anticipate things – the extreme changes in the other's mood were giving him heart attacks.

"With K keeping things quiet, and with Hiro's family of doctors taking care of Shuichi… Success rate is 100. Tohma was the only wildcard. He's always _been_ the only wildcard. And now I have _you_ for that."

Ryuichi's gaze was undoubtedly a question. He wanted to know if the teenager was willing to live out the plan.

Suguru knew that he should've been disturbed, being openly used as a pawn by someone as scary as the man in front of him. But somehow, he wasn't. Even if it was Seguchi Tohma who used to support him, _Bad Luck was his family_. They didn't take care of him because he was an obligation, and they cared _beyond _keeping him alive to _keeping him happy_.

The least he could do is do the same.

"Yeah." He confirmed. "Now you have me for that."

Ryuichi smiled, and Suguru realised that over the many years he had known the other, it was the first time he'd seen the brunet do it without turning insane.

"Thank you for helping bring Shuichi home."

The young keyboardist let out a crooked smile.

"As long as he's happy, right?"

When Ryuichi nodded and walked silently away from him, Suguru wondered why he wasn't the least bit skeptical about all this. Why he believed the insane man when he said he'd take care of Shuichi. Why he wasn't asking K or Hiro about what sort of twisted family backgrounds the two singers had, and why no one else seemed to know about it.

In the end, for the first time since as far as he can remember, Suguru decided that he didn't need to know right away. That if he needed to know, he'd find out. Eventually.

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Sorry for the extremely late update... :( Been freakishly busy. 

Please Review:D


	5. Family

Sorry for the **very** late update. Plot trouble. Lots of it. Still not quite smoothed, actually. Suggestions are VERY welcome. :)

Gravitation: One big NOT MINE.

Usual warnings apply.

**VERY AU. **

* * *

Never let it be said that Ryuichi was undedicated. Even those who knew him as a harmless overgrown child agreed with this. 

Much more those who actually _knew _him.

All his life, he'd thrown himself into one goal. Shuichi's happiness. His only brother's.

His only _real family's_.

His "father" was a worthless drunk. Scum. And his mother, in his eyes, had lost all value the moment she let the scum _look _at Shuichi. She was a fool that let blind rebelliousness ruin her life, and a coward that let fear rule _Shuichi's_.

_That man_ wasn't always so bad. In fact, he could believe it when _that woman_ said that she had loved him.

But he was scum that couldn't handle failure, couldn't handle the rejection of _anything_. Prideful cretin that crumbled at each disapproving glace.

Grandfather had known, had warned her. But she didn't listen. _It was her life_, after all.

Ryuichi was ten when the scum began drinking, eleven when _he_ became an alcoholic, and twelve when the harmless drunken stupor turned into violence.

Shuichi had only been a _month._ A month, and _he_ nearly hit him. If grandfather Makoto hadn't visited…

Ryuichi'd have seen Shuichi die.

It was at that moment that he decided that he'd protect Shuichi, no matter what.

A week later, he threatened to testify against _him. He_ left both children under Sakuma Makoto's care easily enough, and _she_ let herself be dragged away with no fuss.

And then, two years later… _she_ took him.

And Grandfather Makoto… had _let her_. Had let _her_ take his brother away. To suffer.

_Better one than both, Ryuichi. Please. Please forgive me._

_He _and _she_ were unforgivable. But grandfather wasn't so bad. Even if the old man was a betrayer, he pardonable.

Because grandfather had let Ryuichi sing, had let Ryuichi search for his brother, had found K and permitted him to help with both grandchild's career _and_ goal.

And after all, it was grandfather that would save Shuichi. His money, his connections, his guilt.

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(sighs forlornly) I hope I haven't disappointed you guys _too_ much. My story is totally not cohesive. (hides in a corner) Any help/suggestions/constructive criticism or comments/etc... will be welcomed with open arms.  



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